"And meanwhile I understood nothing that was happening to me at all, not where you were, not whether he would kill me by accident or deliberately, not what they said, not that I could have shouted at any moment and you would have appeared and we would have been on our way - I dropped into suppression more because I cannot tolerate confusion than because I cannot tolerate pain or fear, but of course it's not a matter of picking and choosing, they are all either on or off, I could not leave the emotions that would have prompted informative shouting intact while I dealt with not knowing and having no way to find out."